A letter to myself about my broken heart

I know that it hurts right now, I know that you have fallen into a very dark place. I need to tell you that it’s okay to hurt, but please don’t let it swallow you whole. It hurts this pain can consume you, do not let it.

However do not feel guilty for your hurt. It hurts because your love mattered, your relationship mattered. She mattered to you. You, probably for the first time ever opened up your heart, that is scary. But you will survive this. You are stronger than you realize. I believe that the things that happen in our life have a purpose, sometimes they are not fun but they do help us learn. You learned so much from this relationship and with her.

You learned for the first time how it felt to be truly loved for who you are. You realized you’re worth loving, and that you deserve to be in a healthy loving relationship. I am going to say that again because I don’t think you even realize it. You are worth loving, and you deserve to be in a healthy loving relationship.

It hurts to miss her, it hurts to know that it is over. But like I said it hurts because it mattered. I know that can’t give you much comfort right now but it has to be said. It wasn’t a waste of your heart, it wasn’t a waste of your time. You loved her with all of your heart and when that ends it hurts. But it will get better you will heal and you will love again. But don’t rush it, take your time and let your heart completely heal first. Don’t rush, do not rush because your heart hurts or because you are lonely.

This last piece is the hardest. I am sorry for that, but please don’t hold on to that piece of your heart that still belongs to her. You must not hold out hope. You will never be with her again. It hurts me to even say it but I am so sorry, but it is true. Deep down I know you know that it’s true, and that’s why you are holding on so tightly. But you have to let go of that. You will never be with her again. You may never be friends either, I know that sucks too. But can you honestly say you can be friends with a woman that still holds a piece of your heart?

This heartache will take time, breathe in the pain but exhale just a little bit each day. It will get better, please keep your head up and don’t give up. Don’t turn into the darkness, shy away from it. This pain can swallow you whole. Please don’t let it. Your love meant something and one day it won’t hurt as bad, so don’t give up.

I am sorry you are in pain, I wish I could make it go away. But you will get through this. I hate to say this again but I need to, because I know you are stubborn. You will never be together again, please let that sink in and believe it. Otherwise you will destroy yourself with the hope and wanting.

I love you, and you will survive this. You will survive this pain. You are so strong.

Alone

Just alone with my memories
Today I miss us, I miss you
I miss waking up together, and spending the day being lazy
Or the days we just ran errands together
I just miss you
I feel so lost and this fucking holiday isn’t helping
I keep thinking about what this weekend was going to be
I know six months isn’t a terribly long time but it was significant to me
You were … Are significant to me
This day sucks!
I sit alone and remember you and remember us
The laughs and goofiness our silly times. We always had fun
I miss you
I miss us

My heart hurts, it’s missing you it doesn’t understand why you are gone.
I miss you , I miss everything about you

The way you make silly noises in your sleep
Your goofy smile and cheesy face
Being wrapped in your arms at night
I mostly miss just being with you, talking every minute I had with you I cherish
I miss you and it hurts my heart to miss you this much
I miss us

Not strong enough

I wasn’t strong enough
I tried to stay strong
My weak heart and mind has failed me
I fell back into old habits
In feel guilty and ashamed but it also felt really good
The intense pain I felt is numbed, still there but slightly numbed

I feel so pathetic that I can’t just get past this
I feel so weak

Pain

This pain is excruciating
Nothing I’ve ever felt before
My heart is trapped, suffocating
I can’t breathe, the simple inhale of breath takes all my effort
The chest pain is the worst its constant
Spreads to my stomach

Memories flood my mind
Everything is fleeting
The love is gone, she is gone
I’ve never felt so broken
So useless

I want to stay strong
I want to hold true

I don’t want to use my old tactics to deal with the pain
I can be stronger than this

Please let me be stronger than this

I am broken

I knew it was coming she’d been pushing me away
I didn’t want it to happen my love for her is strong
Last night I heard the words and it shattered me to the core

I’m broken

Crying can’t get this growing pain out of my chest
I can’t breathe the pressure holds me in place
I feel so deeply this is the price I pay

It is my fault, I pushed her away
I didn’t mean to.. Why do I always fuck up?
I take it back all the dumb things I’ve said
My over analyzing
My frail emotions
I take it back just give me one more day

I’m broken

That’s why she left
I can’t be fixed
There was no reason for her to stay
Couldn’t she see how much she brought me to life?
Why couldn’t she see herself through my eyes
I love her and now she is gone

There is an empty space where I let down my walls

I’m not just broken, I’m heartbroken and empty

Time?

Why is being in love is painful?
It feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest, love shouldn’t feel this way
I don’t want to feel this way.. My heart is telling me one thing and my brain the other.. What do I follow? I feel I will hurt either way
Maybe I should break it off now before it’s unbearable and before I waste my money with this romantic trip ..
I think that’s what the signs point to.. I think it’s what’s for the best.. I just can’t let go. I love her so much I’m in love with her.. She really sees me. What if I never find that again? What if I never feel love this intense again? I guess that wouldn’t be a bad thing considering how much heartache it’s caused me.

Lost…

Slices and slashes across my heart
Bruised and beaten
Damaged and unwanted
Lost
So very very lost
I hurt, ache I try to mask the pain but I am falling apart
I am just so very lost
I am drowning in an abyss and I don’t know which way is up
I can’t get a grasp on my life, it’s
slipping through my hands
I’m scared and I feel so very alone
Life has gotten away from me

Explicitly Pissed

Just fucking tell me what you want?

Don’t make promises, Don’t tell me things that you are going to do. And just fucking tell me if you aren’t going to follow through? Is that too much to ask? Just be straight with me! Just be HONEST! I can’t take this fucking crap anymore.

I am just so confused by you, so confused by the situation. I feel trapped, stuck, unworthy. I want to fight for you and make this work, I think you want to make this work. That’s what you tell me at least. You say you love me and that you are just going through something. But you aren’t telling me what you want from me. Except that you need space, it makes me feel stupid and silly that I want to see you. I feel completely needy and vulnerable. I don’t like the person I have turned into. Waiting to see where we stand. Yearning for attention from you. I don’t want to be this person. The one that is putting myself on hold for someone else. I am not that person. I can’t be that person. But I do love you and it’s a love that I’ve never before. It feels so real to me, which makes this all more confusing and heartbreaking. I don’t want to loose you and I don’t want to loose myself.

I don’t know what to do, I am upset at the situation and confused I just wish I knew what to do. Ahh